Monday 4 February 2013

Gay marriage threatens our attempts to make everything worse, claim Tories

Some senior Conservative back-benchers have claimed that gay marriage is threatening their attempts to make everyone miserable.

With a commons vote on Tuesday on whether to allow gay marriage in England and Wales, many senior Tories insist it is taking attention away from the really important issues, such as bringing abject disappointment to the nation.

As one unnamed Tory explained, “What we don’t need right now are flamboyant marriage ceremonies with lots of smiling faces and people in love. That is not what this government is about.”

“Why are we focussing on issues that will make people happy, when there are traditional issues such as benefit cuts to be addressed?”

“If this does go through there must be some sort of deal we can do? Maybe married gays could opt-out of the NHS?”

Gay marriage vote

Some senior Tory back benchers have warned that should gay marriage laws be passed, it could represent the end of traditional religious values, with many such as slavery and murder already having been done away with.

As one explained, “This is just another piece of religious guidance we’re choosing to ignore, and we’re so much worse off for it.”

“I long for the days when societal behaviour was dictated by biblical morality, you know, when whole towns could gather to stone their neighbour for planting two different crops next to each other.”

“And we could put to death shop keepers for opening on a Sunday.”

“Yes, life would be much better if we did absolutely everything the Bible said.”

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