Doctors have finally proved a theory that has been debated for years: drinking alcohol can help you pass out.
In an experiment involving vodka, pyjamas and a trumpet, volunteers were filled up with booze until they felt the urge to lie down.
“No-one could have predicted the success of our research”, claimed Dr Richard Watson, who led the team of highly funded scientists.
“There could be some truth in the old wive’s tale “If you give him some booze, in a bed he will snooze.”
“But give him some more, and he’ll kip on the floor.”
With a range of resting surfaces available to the testees, Dr Watson showed there was a direct correlation between how much alcohol was forced into a subject and where they would deign to lose consciousness.
“This graph shows a single bottle of pissy Budweiser leaves you still demanding a pillow”, explained Watson.
“But just a litre of cheap whisky can help even the most discerning nod off quickly, even with their head in a bin.”
But Watson had a word of caution for sleep fans who were thinking of drinking much, much more: getting arseholed doesn’t necessarily improve the quality of rest.
“For some reason, those that were the keenest to collapse were also the most likely to wake up with a headache”, revealed Watson, “and the chance of shitting the bed increased four-fold after just three pints of Baileys.”
Watson is hoping to extend his research into other areas that directly affect our lives, to see if he can add a veneer of science to other things we already know.
“For instance, some of our guinea pigs developed a craving for a full english breakfast. Could that be directly linked to spending half the night throwing up?”