Tuesday 15 January 2013

Calibre of new police recruits ‘still too high’ insists Home Office

The government is to drop the starting salary of new police officers after admitting previous pay levels were attracting candidates of a far too high standard.

Starting salaries will be cut 17% in an attempt to lower the quality of police officers to those with a vocabulary not including the word ‘pleb’.

A Home Office spokesperson explained, “Do you know what you get when you pay £23,000 a year as a starting salary? You get literacy, basic intelligence and rudimentary interpersonal skills.”

“All things the modern police force simply do not need – we should not be paying for such luxuries in times of austerity.”

“With a 17% drop in starting pay we might be able to lure recruits from McDonald’s service counters, Tesco’s trolley collection teams and maybe, if we’re lucky, a few failed politicians.”

“We could save a billion pounds, and make the force much more malleable at the same time.”

Police pay cut

The Government has insisted that its policies are merely a reflection of what the ‘man on the street’ wants them to do, insisting everyone would agree  MPs deserve a 32% pay rise if they were asked.

Our Home Office source said, “That vote on our own pay rise was taken in private, but I’m quite sure most people would agree we need a pay rise of something in that order.”

“And a good way to free up the funds for such a pay rise is by reducing the pay of entry-level police.”

“It’s important that as a society we can have at least one civil service job where you are literally expected to risk your life for under twenty grand a year.”

“Just make sure it’s not my job, obviously.”

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