The government has claimed that high-stakes gambling machines in betting shops have a positive effect on society by ensuring morons have to stay at home eating bread and water.
Despite calls to ban these machines, Culture minister Hugh Robertson said, “There is no evidence that the sort of people losing all their money in these machines matter to me personally, or to my political party.”
“If people aren’t clever enough to realise that a machine which can consume £100 of your money in just a few minutes is a ‘bad thing’, then it’s probably best that they starve.”
“We can’t have that sort of moronic trait running roughshod through our national gene pool, now can we.”
Gambling machines are ‘just fine’
The gambling industry has defended the machines, insisting any criticism only comes from people who haven’t experienced the thrill of risking your rent money on the spin of a wheel controlled by a computer which makes sure the machine never loses.
Industry spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “If you’ve never lost the last fifty pounds in your pocket on one of these machines, then what right do you have to say that it’s a bad thing?”
“People say it’s an addiction like drugs, but they are idiots because you can’t snort or inject a gambling machine.”
“And the withdrawal symptoms are entirely emotional – despair, sadness, lots of crying. It doesn’t rot your septum like that horrible Cocaine.”
“The only thing wrong with gambling, is that more poor people aren’t doing it.”