Winter fuel allowance to be replaced by flammable obese benefit claimants

author avatar by 11 years ago

The winter fuel allowance could become a thing of the past as the government announced plans for fat people on benefits to be melted down to fuel the heating systems of the elderly.

As plans to make the winter fuel allowance a means-tested benefit were released on the same day as plans to reduce benefits for obese who refuse to exercise, it took only minutes for creative MPs to join up the dots.

“Human fat can be burned, right?” asked Lib Dem MP Paul Burstow.

“We’re just suggesting that if you’re on living on state handouts, are overweight, and don’t go to the home of your nearest old person and calve off a pound or two of fuel for their heating, then we’ll stop your benefits.”

“How is that a bad thing?”

“Old people get their houses warmed, we get some fat people off the benefits bill, and the NHS doesn’t have to treat them anymore.”

“It’s not just win-win, it’s win-win-win.”

Winter fuel allowance

Old people have welcomed the new plans, claiming that a warm house is nice, but it will be even better with someone to talk to whilst they’re melted into a converted calour gas stove.

Retired factory worker Dorothy Jenkins explained, “A cheque for £200 is all well and good, but will it sit there in an ill-fitting shell suit and listen to my borderline racist opinions about all the immigrants?”

“No, it won’t. So give me an overweight dole scrounger any day.”