Rail network gentrification ‘almost complete’

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Rail travel is now such a luxury that it is almost the sole preserve the upper classes, according to the latest figures.

With the latest price rises coming into force today, rail passengers are reporting a vast increase in monocle use and top hats on many rush hour train routes.

Commuter Simon Williams explained, “I sold a kidney over Christmas so I can get from Reading to London each morning this month, but I was surprised to see so many people who looked like they’d stepped off the set of Downton Abbey.”

Rail analyst Mike Derby told us, “This latest price hike really is putting rail travel out of the reach of the ordinary commuter.”

“Lottery winners now claim they will pay off their mortgages, buy an Aston Martin, and then consider getting a season ticket for any commuter route into London.”

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“A yacht is now down in fourth place.”

Rail prices rise again

With rail travel now becoming something of an extravagance, many have looked to the nation’s big spenders for guidance on whether rail travel still represents good value.

Mike Derby continued, “Roman Abramovich was happy to spend £50m on Fernando Torres, but he refuses to use the train as he claims they’re ‘taking the piss’.”

“I think that tells you everything you need to know.”