Ex-telly stars Orville and Emu have claimed they were fisted by well-known figures from the seventies and eighties in front of millions of viewers.
Orville, a three-foot-tall green bird, said he was passed around over decades and made to sit on mens’ knees while being ‘worked like a puppet’.
Emu – who at the time of the abuse claims resided in a pink windmill – said he was forced to peck at the crotch of interviewers such as Michael Parkinson.
Much of the activity was caught on film and made for very uncomfortable viewing – even at the time.
Operation Yewtree detectives say they are investigating the allegations – though they have made it clear they are not directly connected to Jimmy Savile – except in headlines in order to drive more traffic to websites.
“We ‘ave opened a new file for zeese new accusations,”said Operation Yewtree’s Detective Inspector Hercule Poirot.
“These are most curious claims of blatant anal fisting which ‘ave played on zee mind of Hercule Poirot.”
“Zee new category will be known as ‘blatant shit-stirring’. A clever – as you English are so fond of saying – double entendre, non?”
“N’est pas?” he added.
Now Orville and Emu are calling on other victims to come forward, with Spit The Dog and Bubbles the monkey the latest stars to indicate they have spoken to the police about alleged abuse.
“I was subjected to the worst forms of physical and mental abuse. I was made to wear a nappy, even though I had the communication skills – and genitals – of an adult.”
“At the time I just wished I could have flown away,” said Orville.
“But I couldn’t.”