Nation making pathetic last minute attempt at 2012’s new year’s resolutions

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The entire nation is this afternoon busy scrambling around making pathetic attempts at entirely ignored 2012 resolutions, before making the next list of never to be attempted personal improvement goals.

Across the country, pages upon pages of year-old good intentions are being removed from sock drawers and filing cabinets, before being rapidly scanned for something, anything, that can be achieved before midnight tonight.

Simon Williams of Bagshot spent an hour looking for his list before telling us, “Shit, this one says write a song. A song?! Christ, a Limerick is a sort of song, right?”

“Lose half a stone. Nope, I’m going to skip that one, short of donating some organs or a freak amputation in the next eight hours I’ve got no chance with that.”

“Still, it’ll be different with next year’s list, right?”

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New Year’s Resolutions

Michelle White, 28, defended her decision to leave her resolutions until this afternoon, before pointing at a calendar and insisting it is still 2012.

“Look, I’ve got about eleven hours to go, so I’m not a failure.  I am NOT a failure.”

“This one here says go to the gym more often. Well, seeing as I never go to the gym, if I go this afternoon I can tick that one off, technically.  Yes I can yes I can yes I can!”

Realist John Gibson said, “I knew what this year was going to be like, so my list includes ‘earn less in real terms’, ‘put on half a stone’, ‘lose some hair’ and ‘let my relationship with my wife disintegrate even further’.”

“So you see, this is why I’m looking at a page full of ticks.”