After allegations that the former chief whip Andrew Mitchell was the victim of lies, the general public have asked the Metropolitan Police to come up with some unsavoury shit about the rest of the government.
The austerity-weary public believe that, rather than wait another three years for an election, real democratic change can be brought about by falsely claiming that George Osborne called officers a ‘bunch of shit-eating proles’.
Immediately after receiving the request, the Met was inundated with complaints from low-ranking officers about mistreatment by members of Cameron’s government.
Among the complainants is PC Clive Harris, 43, who claims Teresa May drew a cock on his squad car using indelible marker pen after he asked her to park nearer the kerb.
Harris also alleges that, on the same day, George Osborne made the “wanker sign” at him then placed his hand over his mouth, and coughed in such a way that it sounded like the word “wanker”.
John Tully, chairman of the Metropolitan Police Federation, which represents officers in the force, said:
“As if that wasn’t enough, Constable Harris has received an email purporting to be from Mr Osborne, the title of which was “Cockmuncher”, and contained photo-shopped images of Mr Harris’ wife performing a sex act on the Chancellor.”
“The Metropolitan Police Federation categorically refutes any allegation that this is some sordid conspiracy intended to unseat the entire government, all of whom are shape-shifting lizards who dine on human flesh.”
“Did I tell you about the time I saw Iain Duncan Smith kill a rat with his bare hands and swallow it down in one go?”