Queen pretty sure she’s watching ‘worst Jeremy Kyle show ever’

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The Queen is attending a cabinet meeting at Downing Street, and is already wondering which one is about to take a DNA test.

Sources at the palace have insisted the Queen has been looking forward to sitting back and watching the worst parts of UK society argue about things that don’t affect her whatsoever.

Though only a few minutes in, she has already decided that George Osborne is the result of the sort of inbreeding that would make her own family blush, and that Nick Clegg should get a proper job.

A Buckingham palace aide told us, “The Queen has just texted Prince Philip to tell him she’s requested the lie detector come out early.”

“Apparently she wants Michael Gove wired to it sharpish.”

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“She’s a bit confused about the lack of a studio audience, but she’s very entertained by the range of freaks and morons they’ve lined up for her.”

Queen at Cabinet

MPs have welcomed the Queen’s visit, but said the cabinet might actually be in danger of making some progress on meaningful policy if they think people are watching.

As one former cabinet member explained, “I don’t like this visit – at all. This is a dangerous precedent, and one that could see us doing the job we’re paid to do on a more regular basis.”

“The nation’s eyes are on us.  Thank god this sort of thing only happens once every hundred or so years.”