Tuesday 11 December 2012

Countdown underway till first religious leader blames country’s ills on fall in Christianity

The countdown has begun until the first religious leader blames the country’s myriad of problems on the fall in Christianity highlighted by the recent census.

The expected statement will come from a mid-level bishop, priest or pastor, and will include the phrases ‘retribution’ and ‘judgement’.

Student of organised religion Simon Williams told us, “I would imagine there’ll be some blame placed on the atheist community for the double-dip recession, the recent cold-snap, and the ongoing popularity of X Factor.”

“All of which, they will claim, would have been prevented if we just loved Jesus a bit more.”

“Also, depending on their particular flavour of Christianity they might also have a little pop at the gays.”

Atheist census

Despite previous claims by christian organisations that the supposed ‘Creeping Islamification’ of the nation is its biggest threat, the census has shown that the most dramatic growth of any group was seen amongst people who couldn’t give less of a shit about any of the religions.

As one respondent told us, “There has been a dramatic rise in the number of people recognising nonsense fairy tales for what they actually are, which is reassuring for the future, obviously.”

“Who knows, by 2050 people knocking on your door to tell you why you’re not getting into a place you don’t believe exists might be a thing of the past.”

“Actually, if Christian organisations really cared about making things better in this country, they could start by making the church pay its fair share of tax.”

Current odds on first Christian group to use census figures to explain country’s problems:

  • Church of England 5-1
  • Roman Catholic 3-1
  • Jehovah’s Witnesses 2-1
  • Christian Voice 1-10

T-Shirt: Jesus – Like Santa, but for grown-ups

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