Feature: Stuart Hall provides commentary on his arrest for child sex offences

author avatar by 10 years ago

Stuart Hall provides his own special brand of in-depth commentary on his arrest for child sex offences.

Two uniformed officers swoop down on my home like vicious harpies, lifting me out of my armchair with Herculean strength.

A third takes my laptop and places it in a bag marked ‘Forensics’ with all the deftness of a young Dennis Law.

I cry out to my wife Judy, but she is nowhere to be seen. ‘Why hast thou forsaken me?’ Then I remember – it’s Tuesday, today she has her electrolysis appointment.

The officers lead me down the hallway, pausing, I catch sight of my crumpled frame in the glass pane of the grandfather clock, like Narcissus searching for his Echo.

At the station, a phalanx of officers present me to the Custody Sergeant, like Christ before Pontious Pilate. Am i here to pay for my sins or the sins of others?

The interview begins. ‘Little Girls with you is it Mr Hall?’ the detective catches me momentarily off-guard, like a young Crystal Palace fan pole-axed by the god-like Cantona, a fragile Icarus caught in the glare of one who shone so brightly, except Icarus never called the sun a ‘French cunt’.

For once I am lost for words, my head is pounding like the percussion in the climax of Tristan und Isolde.

‘Really officers, this is Much Ado About Nothing, ‘ I quip, almost David Moyes like in my steely reserve.

‘I’m giving nothing away, like the defensive partnership of Hansen and Lawrenson circa 1986 …..’