Former prime minister Gordon Brown will send his downtrodden frame soaring face-first back into the bosom of public affection, after agreeing to appear on a remake of Channel 5’s cult classic ‘Touch the Truck’.
First aired in 2001, the reality show involves twenty contestants competing to see who can touch a truck the longest, with the victor winning the grand prize of the truck itself.
Much like Gordon Brown, the programme quickly became a national success due to its winning combination of glamour, philosophical gravitas and a hint of unremitting bleakness.
Inspired by MP Nadine Dorries signing up for I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Mr Brown today carefully ripped open the top two buttons on his shirt and roared softly “Watch out England, Golden Brown’s back!”, before panicking and asking the assembled reporters if he could retract the exclamation mark.
The show’s director, Max Bonce, gushed, “We’re tremendously excited to have Gordon on board – according to our research, 75% of elderly women see him as ‘the Scottish Tom Jones’.”
“Our aim is to marry the glitz of television with the gritty realities of a multi-storey car park. It’s basically Top Gear meets The Wire.”
“You don’t need exotic insects and a jungle to have a good time, just a lock-up in Essex and superstar host Uri Geller.”
“I know what you’re all thinking, but don’t worry, he’s promised not to use his psychic powers to predict the winner.”
Previous victor Jerry Middleton was optimistic about Mr Brown’s chances of public adoration.
He told reporters, “After my celebrated win, I rode the waves of fan mail and propositions to enter the 2001 general election and gain 54 whole votes.”
“Just imagine what Brown could have done in 2010 if that many people had voted for him?”