Wednesday 7 November 2012

Republicans demand electoral college reform includes votes for Jesus’ favourite

The Republican party has begun calls for reform of the electoral college by demanding that at least 200 seats should be assigned to whichever candidate Jesus prefers.

After losing another election despite continuing insistence that their candidate had been told by God himself to run, GOP officials claim the only way to guarantee future victory is to ensure God’s preference is written into the law.

As senior Republican campaigner Mitch Williams told us, “What we have here today is an election result which goes against everything Jesus wants for the Republican party – how can that be right?”

“If Florida gets 29 electoral votes, then I think Jesus should get at least 200. I don’t want him to have the final say in any election result, but he should definitely have some serious influence.”

“It’s clear the devil is influencing Ohio, so Jesus should get his say, too.”

US Electoral reform

When challenged that asking Jesus which candidate he preferred might prove to be a little difficult, Williams said it was actually very easy to tell.

He told reporters, “How do I know he wanted the Republican to win? Because of all the churches we built for him, obviously.”

“If Jesus could vote, we would never have ended up with a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who insists on giving away free healthcare and helping the poor.”

“Sorry? What do you mean I’ve just described Jesus?”

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