US presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has dismissed claims that Hurricane Sandy was ‘an act of God’, and pointed his finger instead at the ‘brogue nation’ of Scotland.
Backers of Romney, including tycoon Donald Trump, have urged him to invade the Golf State before they can strike again.
Oil-rich, nuclear weapon-shy and occupying the strategically significant ‘bloody freezing’ zone just above England, Scotland has been accused of being a ‘training ground’ for bad weather.
Trump himself has already led a peace mission to the region, generously knocking down useless old houses to make way for a much-needed millionaire’s playground.
But rather than thank their saviour some of the locals caused it to rain incessantly, an act now recognised by Romney as a declaration of war.
Romney on Sandy
Critics claim that the ‘complete lack of any evidence whatsoever’ linking Scotland to freak storm usage makes an invasion untenable.
Fortunately Romney has such a strong Mormon faith he is able to ignore such liberalised, rational arguments.
Romney’s defiance of Scotland has seen a late surge in his polling, and a sharp rise in share prices for Exxon and Halliburton.
The symbolic banned Haggis is changing hands in New York for thousands of dollars, so patriots can burn them, or use them as sandbags.
Cameron has so far refused to endorse Romney’s plans, although he did promise him a special relationship.
Meanwhile, Romney continues to campaign on the back of a growing distrust of the Scottish.
“We owe it to the people of Scotland to free them from their tyranny and oil, and provide them with a proper American Education”, roared Romney.
“Some of the men are so in touch with their feminine side, they’ll willingly wear skirts. That’s sickening evidence that they don’t even hate women.”