Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has announced the nation will immediately commence work on a space programme after the discovery of a planet made solely of Diamond White cider.
Yale scientists have confirmed the existence of the planet, which consists of a carbonated, piss-like liquid substance said to closely resemble the fundamental qualities of the average Scotsman’s 5-a-day quota.
Salmond moved to express his desire to swell national pride in a bid to swing voters too sober to vote in favour of his proposals for Scottish independence from the United Kingdom.
“Traversing the planet in pursuit of an alcoholic beverage is deeply ingrained within the Scottish psyche, and the opportunity to define our national identity across the entire galaxy in one booze-addled swoop is too much to ignore,” he told reporters.
“The inherent benefit of being the first nation to reach this unquenchable planet and transport its yield for consumption at voting booths during the vote for independence in 2014, is obvious.”
“To my political career at least.”
Hickory Check, a postdoctoral researcher in physics and astronomy, said the discovery coupled with Scotland’s intention to send its first manned mission to space could have serious implications for the cosmos.
“We are all aware of the dangers of drink driving, but the thought of letting a team of Scotsman propel themselves across the universe to plunder this untapped resource is a frightening thought.”
“Heaven forbid someone discovers one made of heroin.”