Friday 21 September 2012 by Alex

New government dossier ‘proves that badgers possess WMD’

Under pressure to justify the mass slaughter of the badger population, the government has released a dossier which appears to show that badgers have – and are in imminent likelihood of using – nuclear weapons.

“It’s a very tough decision that we’ve had to take,” said David Heath, a minister at Defra.

“But this dossier clearly explains why we’ve had to act.”

However there was scepticism that badgers do actually possess weapons of mass destruction.

“They don’t have opposable thumbs,” said an expert at London Zoo. “The whole thing sounds fucking ridiculous.”

Ministers, however, stood by the contents of the dossier.

“They have nukes,” said Mr Heath. “And guns. And they are using them on their own people.”

“Clearly slaughtering the badgers is not a decision we’ve taken lightly – but I think you’ll find that the ordinary badger on the street is desperate for our intervention.”

Badger author report

Investigations have shown that the ‘badger dossier’ is based on a report by Dr. David Artherton, a government inspector of badgers. He expressed puzzlement at its interpretation.

“My original report was pretty balanced. I detailed where they lived, and what sort of worms and beetles and stuff they liked to eat,” said Dr. Artherton.

“I’ve seen a later draft, and somebody has added ‘and they have nuclear weapons’ in red pen.”

Mr Heath denied that this had altered the gist of Dr Artherton’s report.

“Look,” he said. “Nobody wants to believe that badgers are planning to eliminate the western world with nuclear weapons.”

“But,” he lowered his voice. “What if we’re wrong?”

The Labour Party has called for an urgent commons debate on the badger dossier.

“It’s a thrown together, made-up mishmash of dodgy justifications for slaughter,” said leader Ed Miliband.

“You wouldn’t catch us doing that.”

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