American rapper LL Cool J and ex-footballer Duncan Ferguson are to spearhead a new Neighbourhood Watch initiative, it has been announced.
The move, encouraging residents to batter the shite out of intruders, comes shortly after LL Cool J reportedly apprehended a thief in his house.
The musician broke the man’s nose and jaw and detained him until police arrived.
Former Everton striker Ferguson also famously foiled burglars in his Merseyside home on TWO separate occasions in 2001 and ’03.
The first time saw one robber confined to hospital for three days after the footballer’s intervention. The second occasion saw the thief ‘sat on’ until police turned up.
Big Society agenda
The campaign is thought to be a coup for the Prime Minister’s ‘Big Society’ agenda, as citizens are urged to take more responsibility in their communities.
The modernised Neighbourhood Watch scheme differs from its predecessor, which focused on residents forming a community watchdog for their neighbours, calling police at the sign of suspicious goings-on.
The new approach relies more on residents showing fearless, visceral violence. And then calling the police.
Critics have suggested LL Cool J and Ferguson’s message is all very well, but requires the resident to be hard as fuck. The rapper, whose hits include ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’ and ‘I’m Bad’ replied, “Yeeah ah know some peeps might not feel like they have it in them but just use the spirit of LL and big Dunc and you’ll be aaight. And don’t stop swingin’ dat weapon yo’!”
Former Everton and Newcastle striker Ferguson, who once made German footballing hardman Steffen Freund quiver like a fearful child, was more succinct. “Dinny be a bawbag,” he said.
Justice Minister Ken Clarke commented, “It’s the Big Society in action. If people can take responsibility in stopping would-be burglars themselves it would allow police far more time to concentrate on corruption and using unreasonable force when dispersing crowds.”