Robin Van Persie has revealed that his move from Arsenal to Manchester United was not motivated by money, but by Piers Morgan’s pledge that he would throw himself off Santa Monica pier in lead weights.
The 29 year-old striker revealed he had been undecided on whether to sign for Manchester United, but Morgan’s pledge to kill himself was too good an offer to turn down.
“Leaving Arsenal was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make,” he said.
“Well, it was up until Piers Morgan said he would kill himself if I left.”
“Then it became something of a no-brainer.”
Van Persie to Manchester United
The deal, which is worth £24m to Arsenal, and a Piers Morgan-free world to everyone else, was completed yesterday, and the world’s eyes are now focused on Santa Monica pier for the arrival of the former News of the World and Daily Mirror editor.
“There’s no sign of him yet, but I’m prepared to wait for as long as necessary,” said one onlooker.
“This is probably the first football transfer in history where everyone – fans of both sides, neutrals, and people who know nothing about football – are happy.”
Arsenal fans, who had originally been dead set against Van Persie leaving the club, are hailing the deal as “great business”.
“Every player has his price,” Revealed 26 year-old Gooner Stephen McLaughlin.
“No club in the World can turn down an offer that amounts to Piers Morgan killing himself.”
“We shouldn’t stop here,” he added.
“I think if we sell Thomas Vermaelen and Alex Song we could also wipe out Spandau Ballet once and for all.”