The planned Tory shake-up of constituency boundaries could see Nick Clegg’s seat of Sheffield Hallam shrink from 70,032 to three disgruntled voters and an embittered German shepherd.
The prime minister said the redrawing of constituency boundaries would go ahead regardless of Clegg’s protests and urged all parties to back the “very sensible” proposals which would see the Tories win an extra 20 MPs at the next election.
Clegg, meanwhile, made a preliminary visit to his proposed new constituency only to discover that two of the houses had For Sale signs up and the remaining one had a large UKIP banner in the front garden propped up by a burnt mattress.
The Lib Dem leader said, “I demanded to know why my new boundary was very squiggly but the PM assured me that the cartographer had had a few issues with Parkinson’s and did I want to go bringing all that stuff up.”
“For the same reason, the constituency of Portsmouth North now takes in part of the Cherbourg Peninsula.”
Those close to the Deputy PM say that having fewer houses to visit would reduce the amount of time he needs to spend being told to ‘fuck off’ on the campaign trail, leaving him with more free time in which to self-harm.
Last night Mr Clegg told us that he would oppose boundary changes in a vote expected to take place next year if he hasn’t already attached a length of tubing to his car exhaust and inhaled a substantial quantity of carbon monoxide.
“Let’s get on with the huge areas where we do agree and where we think we can work constructively in the national interest,” he said.
“I just can’t think of any right now.”