As Greggs announced a 10% increase in turnover during the opening seven days of the Olympics, fans of devouring beige coloured handfuls of salty fat have revealed how watching sport is much more enjoyable when sat down eating a cake.
Some outlets at the baked goods empire have seen growth of 80% as the public attempt to emulate the endurance shown by Olympic athletes, albeit in eating various lukewarm pasties with contents only identifiable by a label.
“I’d struggle to run the 400m hurdles in less than a week, but if there was a gold medal for shoving vast amounts of calories into my mouth in the space of a minute, then I’d be like an enormous Michael Phelps,” revealed one Olympics enthusiast.
“Check this out. I’ve got a sausage and bean melt, a steak bake, a triple chocolate muffin, a Belgian bun, a jam doughnut and a chicken club baguette.”
“That’s the fast food equivalent of the heptathalon.”
“I’d like to see Jessica Ennis complete that and come out smiling.”
Greggs reports sales increase
Kennedy McMeikan, Greggs’ chief executive, revealed that he was hopeful that the remainder of the Olympics would see further successes for Britain’s team of fatties.
“We’re hopeful that the dedication of our loyal customers will inspire the next generation of fat fucks,” he enthused.
47 Year-old Terry Clark was keen to show us the medals he’d picked up on his numerous vsits to the High Street bakers.
Pointing proudly to the front of his T-shirt, he said: “This one’s gravy from a steak bake, this one’s jam from a doughnut and this one’s just a general fat stain from a sausage roll.”
“No stain remover in the land can take them away from me,” he added proudly.