Thursday 2 August 2012 by Heisenberg

Strategy to scare away tourists a ‘triumph’, claims Jeremy Hunt

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt today insisted that his message for tourists to stay away from London and for locals to stay home during the Olympics had been a ‘triumph’.

Londoners and tourists alike have heeded frequent ominous Government warnings about impending travel chaos and life endangering journeys.

Figures released by LOCOG show that road congestion has actually reduced by 77% during the games.

“I think our strategy to scare everyone witless has been incredibly effective,” the Culture Secretary told reporters.

“I put out a strong message that all people should avoid London at all costs during this busy time – I think it’s probably the most successful thing I’ve ever done. Go me!”

Jeremy hunt success

However, local businesses and traders were not feeling in quite as celebratory a mood.

“There’s no customers!” said an angry Samantha Hastings of ‘Sam’s Boutique’ in Kensington.

“We have invested in extra stock and extra staff to cope with anticipated extra demand and now we’re more buggered than a William Hague room-mate.”

A Government insider confided that The Culture Secretary now felt himself immune to any political fallout from any debacle.

“If he can get away with colluding with BSkyB, and leaving London like a ghost town then he can get away with anything.”

“He could probably take a dump in the centre of the Olympic stadium during the 400m hurdle final and Cameron would still back him.”

Despite all the anxieties raised by industry, the Mayor, Boris Johnson today insisted that while the City itself may not be thriving, his campaign for Leader of the Conservative party was certainly ‘open for business’.

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