Thursday 19 July 2012

Murderers ability to successfully hide a body at 30-year high, reveal figures

Murderers are currently better at hiding the evidence of their crimes than at any point in the last 30 years, new figures from the Office of National Statistics reveal.

Killers who actually leave bodies allowing the police to open a murder investigation are now firmly in the minority, with most murderers capable of disposing of their victims so efficiently it never becomes more than a missing person case.

Retired murderer Simon Williams told us, “With CSI Everybloodywhere, there is really no excuse these days for a criminal to leave evidence they’ve killed someone.”

“There must be a dozen hours every week of ‘how to’ murder guides on Channel 5 alone.”

“Thanks to TV and the Internet the modern murderer is sophisticated and knowledgeable, completely unrecognisable from the murderer of the early 80s – he was practically a caveman in comparison.”

“And remember, it’s only a homicide if there’s a body – and if there’s a body there’s only a homicide if you kill them in a really obvious way.”

Murder discoveries down

Not everyone puts the reduction in murder rates down to better murderers, with former Killer Jake Nichols telling us he’s no longer ‘in the game’.

“I’ve given up killing, it’s too messy. Plus it offers blessed relief for some of the victims, which doesn’t interest me. No, if you want them to suffer, you keep them alive.”

“I’m talking torture here. Nothing inflicts emotional pain on a human being quite like living in modern Britain.”

“I tend to get them a job with at least an hour of rush-hour commuting each way, a mortgage they can barely afford, and then I put them in a loveless relationship with someone they despise.”

“The anguish I see in their eyes every day is far more of a thrill than plunging a knife into their chest.”

“It’s delicious.”

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