Monday 9 July 2012

Weeping Scotsman incident not alcohol related, confirm experts

A highly-publicised incident which saw a Scotsman crying uncontrollably in public, was not alcohol-related, experts have confirmed.

However fans of tired stereotypes will be pleased to know that so far those same experts have been unable to eliminate ‘losing money’ as a potential cause of the tears.

Males weeping in public has long been seen as a sign of excessive alcohol consumption, but a spokesperson for the teary-eyed Scot insisted the incident was to do with ‘feelings’.

Londoner Simon Williams told us, “Are you trying to tell me that Andy Murray has human emotions? I’m afraid you’ll have to come up with something better than that.”

“Are we sure he hadn’t just lost a fiver or something?”

Andy Murray crying

Sporting commentators have claimed that a few tears are all that is needed for the British public to truly take a failed sportsman to their hearts, citing Paul Gascoigne as the perfect example.

Sportologist Mike Matthews told us, “A crying sportsman resonates with the British public because it brings forward all of the inherent unhappiness about our own miserable existences.  Suddenly these sports people seem as desperately unhappy as the rest of us – and we like that.”

“But when that sympathy is at its peak I would ask each of you to remember that last night he went home with his beautiful girlfriend to count his millions of pounds.”

“If that doesn’t dry your own tears, nothing will.”

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