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Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have announced the discovery of an infinitesimally small personality trait in George Osborne that is consistent with the theorised ‘Osborne Conscience’.
For several years experts have searched for evidence of the Osborne Conscience, investing billions in a search that some said would give us answers to the philosophical question, “why are we here…in this shit.”
Experiments undertaken in Switzerland have given the LHC team a ‘high degree of certainty’ that they have spotted the Conscience, even though it only existed for a fraction of a millisecond.
“There is more work to be done to ensure that what we’ve seen isn’t an anomaly.”
“But we’re confident that when you fire awful decisions that affect millions of people at each other very quickly, the result is the briefest flash of Osborne Conscience.”
“Unfortunately it quickly dissipates into constituent emotions like ‘ambivalence’, which explains what happens to so many of those awful decisions after impact.”
CERN discovery
With this latest discovery set to be consigned to the history books, the search is now on for the final piece in the universal jigsaw – the whereabouts of Cameron’s Shame.
Theoretical Politicist Simon Williams told us, “The Cameron Shame particle was theorised in 2005, but there has been much debate over whether we should really be spending money searching for something that so many people are convinced doesn’t even exist.”
“Personally, I think you only have to take a quick look at him to realise the search will be fruitless.”
