Wednesday 27 June 2012

Osborne agrees to leave petrol at current painfully extortionate prices

Chancellor George Osborne has announced that a planned 3p increase in fuel duty will be delayed until January, ensuring that for the rest of the year weeping forecourt users will only have to endure current levels of extortion.

Osborne said he had listened to the ‘man on the street’ in between the sobbing and begging, and had decided that perhaps now is not the right time to shove his fist further into their anus in the search for small change.

He told reporters, “I recognise the need to fill the car up with petrol – and I recognise it because my manservant smells faintly of the fuel when he comes back from filling up one of my vehicles – so I share your pain.”

“Hopefully this change to our plan will make you all love me.  Right?”

Petrol price increase

Car users have reacted with mild relief at the news, saying they feel the new guy in prison who has been told that from now on he’ll only be raped on Wednesdays and Fridays.

“I suppose I should be happy,” said driver Simon Williams, “But part of me still just wants to burst into tears every time I drive past a petrol station.”

However rioters looking at a ‘summer of fun’ have admitted that the delay means they can hold back on the final resort of ‘throwing rocks’, claiming that petrol-filled bottles was still their number one weapon of choice, but only just.

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