Wednesday 20 June 2012 by Spacey

Sepp Blatter pledges to introduce goal-line technology as quickly as 24 hours ago

President of FIFA Sepp Blatter has pledged to backdate the introduction of goal-line technology to yesterday in the hope of stopping England beating Ukraine.

Blatter revealed that he was devastated that Ukraine’s goal against England last night was ruled out, and chose to ignore the fact that Marko Devic was offside in the build up.

“Whether he was offside or not is irrelevent,” said a tearful Blatter.

“What matters is that England benefited from this incorrect decision, which is completely unacceptable to me.”

Goal line technology

Blatter, who has also criticised penalty shoot-outs after one was inexplicably won by an English side, went on to highlight other rule changes that are under consideration.

“We have already seen an English club win the Champions League by unfairly competing in it.”

“We cannot run the risk of England progressing any further in this tournament.”

“I have watched England’s games and I saw a number of things that I don’t want to see happening while I am President of Fifa – namely England getting the ball in the opposition’s goal.”

“I will be recommending that any England player scoring a goal will immediately be sent off for unsporting behaviour.”

“Also any England player attempting to gain possession by tackling an opponent will be dismissed for violent conduct.”

“All I want to see is fairness.”

“And non-English winners.”

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