Leveson Enquiry: LIVE!

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Rupert Murdoch is giving evidence to the Leveson enquiry today, and we’re bringing you all the coverage – live!

10.30: Lord Leveson has Rupert Murdoch wheeled into the hearing on a vertical gurney, bound with leather straps and wearing a muzzle. A sulphur detector alarm is triggered and the room is evacuated for five minutes.

10.36: Hearing resumes. Leveson asks Murdoch to confirm his name. Murdoch replies he’s unsure, but he’s happy to work with the enquiry to find out.

@FrankHarding tweets: “Lovin’ the Leveson vibe! Big up me homey!”

10.43: Mr Murdoch asks for a comfort break, so he ‘can be milked for his venom’.

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BREAKING NEWS: A team of dedicated fire fighters have been called to the enquiry, after a ‘significant threat’ of pants fires was identified.

10.47: Mr Murdoch is asked if he had any knowledge of ‘phone hacking’ at the NotW. Murdoch asks what a ‘phone is’. Leveson draws him a picture, which Murdoch looks quizzically at, then frowns, before looking sad. He claims ‘it looks a bit like a banana’.

@RobertPeston tweets: “Hahaha! Take that, you horrible old bastard!”

11.34: After over thirty minutes of demonstrations by a team of BT engineers with cables, test equipment and handsets, Mr Murdoch finally agrees that he ‘has a rough idea’ of what a phone is. However, when asked about the ‘hacker’, he says ‘I’m an Aussie, not a flamin’ kiwi’.

11.36: Mr Murdoch asks for a ‘comfort break’, so he can blind some kittens with a pencil.

@HJoyoyosweetx tweets: “What’s up Homes Under the Hammer? This auction is well boring”

11.52: Lord Leveson asks Mr Murdoch if he has ever sought to influence politicians, such as David Cameron, Tony Blair or Gordon Brown. Murdoch appears offended. He says he regularly has Christmas Dinner with everyone in the country, and flies readers out to his yachts, because he’s a nice man. It’s not his fault that 98% of those chosen at random happen to be serving MPs.

@Jenwasawasa tweets: “Rupert looks so vulnerable in front of the committee. That makes me HOT!!!”

12.05: Murdoch denies ever using his papers to promote his other interests. ‘I’m only interested in doing the right thing, and being good’, claims Murdoch. ‘I would never use my papers for either of those things.’

@GarySpalding84 tweets: “Has anyone else noticed that Murdoch looks an awful lot like Mr Burns off of ‘The Simpso”

12.12: Mr Murdoch remembers that he’s forgotten what a paper is. Lord Leveson is starting to look a little cross.

12.14: Lord Leveson asks Mr Murdoch to explain his thoughts on press regulation. Mr Murdoch thinks they should be similar to the regulation of news outlets on the internet.

12.15: Lord Leveson asks what ‘an internet is’.

12.25: The engineers from BT have done a fine job of explaining the theory behind the internet, using a stack of plastic cups, some blue tac and a ball of string. Lord Leveson is billed £120 for them, but his connection still isn’t working.

BREAKING NEWS: Millions of citizens know Murdoch is evil, but are happy to pay over £60 a month to his TV company.

12.29: Mr Murdoch appears to be suffering from a chest infection. He has a coughing fit, and clumsily drops some photos. They appear to be of Lord Leveson, a goat and several oiled midgets. Mr Murdoch says he has ‘never visited a photoshop’.

12.30: Lord Leveson halts the hearing for his own comfort. Mr Murdoch is enveloped by black smoke, and disappears into the ether.