Bernie Ecclestone has welcomed a tentative ceasefire in Syria, claiming it’s ‘a sure sign’ that the country is ready to host its first Formula One race some time in the next few hours.
Ecclestone is personally funding a relief flight of tyres, petulant drivers and some girls who can carry numbers in their underwear to the desert paradise, which should land before the smoke has cleared.
“There have been some local difficulties”, acknowledged the money-gnome, “but I’m sure the teams will agree with me and my ruinous legal clauses; the show must go on, no matter how sickeningly inappropriate.”
Ecclestone is confident that the track will be cleared of mines, body parts and any feelings of guilt and reproach in time for the first practice session, which is already underway at a secret location.
While some teams have complained that the race could be targeted by desperate protestors, the FIA has insisted that safety remains paramount.
“Air cover is being provided by heavily armed Red Bull stunt planes”, explained Ecclestone. “And I’ve taken out comprehensive life insurance policies, on all the top drivers.”
F1 comes to Syria
Sports fans have slammed F1’s latest show of support for a desperate regime that is morally bankrupt.
“The ruthless oppression of an entire country by cruel dictators isn’t something we should encourage”, claimed one fan.
“But I already had a Sky subscription, and there’s no shifting Bernie.”
Ecclestone remains unrepentant in the face of criticism.
“This is great news for Formula 1, and great news for Syria”, he declared.
“What better way to bring people together, than to unite them behind a common hatred of Fernando Alonso?”
With typical zeal, the octogenarian supremo has ‘torn up the rulebook’ in the interests of bringing an exciting end to the race.
President Assad is currently favourite to win his home grand prix, after his modified Soviet-era T34 tank was passed by scrutineers from the Arab League.