London’s delivery drivers have dismissed official guidelines on how to make silent night-time deliveries during the Olympics, claiming ‘we were going to do all those things anyway’.
Most commercial drivers are delighted at being given the opportunity to work in the middle of the night to keep the roads free for MPs and corporate sponsors during the day.
And many are surprised at suggestions they might not perform those jobs in complete silence, out of respect for the patronising bastards who wrote the latest guidelines.
“I deliver clean towels and toilet rolls to my betters, while they stay in some of the capital’s swankiest hotels”, explained Ted Harvey, who drives his Scania through thick and thin.
“So I don’t wake them, I’ll be pushing my truck with my face, and using a candle instead of the headlights.”
Night time Olympic deliveries
Officials have asked delivery drivers not to whistle, sing or beep at confused foreign pedestrians, not used to vehicles driving on the left.
Harvey has taken things further. By just stopping where he likes instead of parking considerately, he’s avoiding the din of the ‘reversing’ buzzer.
“I’ve also been crashing into quiet things, instead of using my noisy airbrakes”, claimed Harvey. “And I’ve stopped indicating, to avoid that annoying ticking sound.”
Travelling at speed close to the vehicle in front, Harvey has reduced levels of wind noise to barely a whisper.
Swinging straight out of junctions without looking at all, he puts the onus on other motorists to use their horns, while he quietly goes about his business.
“It’s a bit like driving a BMW”, he suggested.
Harvey is hurt by suggestions lorry drivers might deliberately make more noise during the Olympics, as a reaction against the report.
“I’d hate to wake the poor dears who’ve forced me to work in my pyjamas”, said Harvey.
“But they’ve got a nerve, I don’t know how they sleep at night.”