Muamba offers prayers for Kenny Dalglish’s managerial career

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Recovering Bolton midfielder Fabrice Muamba led a candlelit vigil for Kenny Dalglish’s career last night, after his Liverpool side stopped working for ninety minutes against Wigan.

Liverpool fans looked on in stunned silence after the second Wigan goal went in as it became clear something had gone terribly wrong.

Concerns about the health of the Liverpool squad were raised earlier in the week after Steven Gerard was unable to locate a pulse during the 3-2 defeat to QPR.

Dirk Kuyt told reporters, “I felt myself going down a long dark tunnel with a light at the end of it, but it turns out I was being substituted and someone had left a light on in the changing room.”

Liverpool collapse

Liverpool’s problems were compounded when Andy Carroll appeared to flat-line in the six yard box.

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Carroll said, “As the paramedics administered emergency CPR, I saw crucial episodes from my life played back in what looked like slow motion but, in fact, turns out to be my actual pace.”

“I then went to a beautiful place where my lack of movement was no longer relevant. It was Happy Hour on Bold Street. I felt at such peace and didn’t want to leave. Suddenly a bell rang for last orders and I was back in my body.”

“I could smell hot dogs.”

The Liverpool boss was left fuming after a Liverpool ‘goal’ was disallowed for an apparent Suarez handball, but the striker later claimed he had been reaching for a defibrillator.

Wigan manager Roberto Martinez last night joined Muamba in his prayers but insisted he was disappointed with his side’s performance.

“We should have scored seven, what with them being clinically dead and everything.”