Wednesday 14 March 2012 by Gary Stanton

Ed Miliband in puberty bid after ‘deep voices win votes’ study

A study suggesting voters pick candidates with a deeper voice has prompted Labour leader Ed Milliband to speed up his quest to reach puberty before his 42nd birthday.

Following publication of the findings by the Royal Society, Milliband has spent days locked in the bathroom searching for man hairs on his tuppeny threppence.

And ‘Red Ed’ delighted Labour fans earlier this week by announcing he had found a 1cm pubic hair on his scrotal sac which, he says, ‘stands out even more’ if he angles it towards strong sunlight.

Brother David, a fully-pubic human, who with hindsight should have been leader, said, “This is a wake-up call for the conservatives and a sure sign that we as a party have turned the corner.”

“The discovery of this magnificent hair is proof that my brother has testosterone coursing through his veins and that we can expect his voice to break any day now.”

“Can I just say there is no truth in the rumour that Ed spent part of yesterday evening tying weights to his testicles in a bid to encourage them floorwards, all while I was watching Eastenders, bless him.”

In a deep baritone, he added ‘By thy way – I have a fully-developed thatch. Just saying.’

Miliband voice issues

Milliband has struggled thus far to get his high-pitched message across to voters as it is only audible to small colonies of Pippistrelle bats, most of whom are against the idea of a rise in income tax to fund drug addicts.

And voters admit they would be reluctant to vote for a leader who navigates his way around Westminster using sonar.

Last night, senior conservatives challenged the veracity of Milliband’s pubic hair and demanded photographic evidence in the form of an election pamphlet.

PM David Cameron, interrupting a meeting with Obama, said, “We have a reliable source who insists this was nothing more than a ‘phantom pube’ caused by a piece of stray cotton from his underpants.”

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