Rare planetary alignment to blame for rise of Olly Murs

author avatar by 12 years ago

Teen pop phenomenon Olly Murs scarcely believable rise to stardom may have been caused by a once in a lifetime alignment of the planets Venus and Jupiter, according to astrologers.

Venus orbits the Sun in 225 days, spending about 18.75 days in each sign of the zodiac – the exact amount of time it took Murs to convince Simon Cowell that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he was worth a gamble.

And in a spooky twist , on the day Murs was conceived , Jupiter was rising in the east – meaning Essex.

Corpulent TV astrologer Russel Grant said, “Astrologically, Jupiter is associated with the principles of growth, expansion, prosperity, and having a desperately punchable face.”

“It is also responsible for the urge to perform quirky dance routines and the ability to wear a hat.”

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Murs in the ascendancy

Meanwhile Grant believes Olly’s cheeky wink and desire to be loved at all costs can be attributed to the planet Venus.

“Venus, the ruler of the second and seventh houses, is involved with the desire for pleasure, personal possessions and group sex in an Ibis off the M4 with a load of your fans.”

“Not necessarily an Ibis, it could be a Travelodge – there is some debate among professional astrologers regarding this,” Grant continued.

“The humanitarian aspect present in Jupiter would mean Olly would probably pay for a taxi for any groupies before ordering a continental breakfast with a low meat content.”

But Grant had a stark warning for Murs ‘The word ‘venereal’ is derived from Venus. This would explain why Olly often feels a burning sensation when he takes a piss.”

And Grant believes Murs should probably wait until June before asking Cheryl Cole out for another date.”

“When Olly asked Cheryl out on Twitter, Venus was in the wrong part of the Zodiac. By the time June comes round it will be positioned more favourably in Taurus with Neptune rising.”