Tuesday 13 March 2012

Don’t worry, our meat is definitely grey, clarifies McDonald’s

As researchers at Harvard Medical School warned of the health risks associated with red meat, McDonald’s moved to quickly clarify that no-one said anything about meat that is best described as ‘grey’.

Researchers claimed that a diet high in former animals can see elevated rates of heart disease and some cancers, a fact welcomed by the relatives of those animals consumed – probably.

A spokesperson for the fast ‘food’ chain told reporters, “Fear not, the health issues caused by grey meat are as yet still uncertain.”

“You only have to look at a Big Mac to realise it could in no way be described as a ‘red meat’ product. To be honest there are many consumers who still question if it’s actually a meat product at all.”

“But I’ve seen the manufacturing process, and let me assure you that those grey patties are definitely made from things that used to be attached to animals. Which is of course the very definition of ‘meat’.”

Red meat warning

Red meat lovers have reacted with disappointment to the news, insisting that anything that gives vegetarians a better argument should be seen as a ‘tragedy’.

Meat fan Simon Williams said, “I love red meat, so this is bad news, and worse still I hate vegetarians – did you know the word itself comes from the ancient Aztec for ‘crap hunter’?”

“I don’t suppose this advice can be ignored if your wife burns every steak she touches to a blackened fucking crisp? Shame.”

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