Friday 9 March 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Coke and Pepsi to reduce volume of ‘cancerous mice’ in secret recipes

Fizzy drinks giants Coke and Pepsi have agreed to alter their recipes, to avoid having to add a ‘bio-hazard’ logo to their packaging.

From next month, Coke will reduce the amount of cancerous mice they add to their sodas, and Pepsi are limiting the use of mutated rats to ‘barely a trace’.

“This is good news for the consumer”, claimed health expert Giles Hanley.

“There’s now a chance they might survive long enough to develop type 2 diabetes.”

But some consumers are fed up with authorities meddling with products they both trust and are chemically dependent on.

“My kids had only just got used to the ‘low mercury’ variant”, complained Janet Wilkes.

“Now I’m supposed to give them a drink that’s virtually rodent tumour-free?”

Coke and Pepsi recipes changed

With each can of cola containing more than seven bags of sugar, a large proportion of sales are now for ‘diet’ varieties, but the reduction in diseased mouse bits follows a ban on fetid pork water, once seen as a key ingredient in aiding weight loss.

Both companies are reluctant to bow to so-called ‘verifiable scientific evidence’; claiming it’s a balancing act of both pleasing but not killing the consumer.

Few shareholders will forget the disastrous ‘unleaded’ flavours of the ’80s, or the outbreaks of zombie-ism linked to the ’90s ‘corpse-filtered’ colas.

“While it’s a shame that our recipe is down to just one blackened, twisted paw per 100ml, our customers can be assured they won’t taste the difference”, claimed Pepsi’s head chef, Paul Stanley Jr III.

“Especially now we’ve doubled the amount of aspartame.”

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