Elizabeth Windsor, who works as a Queen in the UK, has expressed her ‘disappointment’ at what passes for entertainment in her country.
Standing in the doorway of a grubby diesel locomotive at Leicester station, Windsor and her husband were visibly deflated by a ‘cultural dance’ laid on in their honour.
This was followed by a group of orphans who presented them with a medium-sized spoon to have a look at, and a man with hygiene issues who gave a rambling talk about moths.
“I suppose we’ve got four months of this”, muttered a sad-looking Mr Windsor to his jaded wife.
“Can’t I just slip on something, and pretend to shatter a hip?”
With a gruelling schedule of amateurish street dancers, endless commemorative tea towels and odd-looking children who will forcefully make candles at her, the Queen is already considering abdication as a way out.
“I’ve always thought that Britain was a wonderful country to live off”, sighed Mrs Windsor.
“But it’s nowhere near as good as it looks on the telly.”
Mr Windsor shuffled his feet awkwardly as a mediocre folk singer forgot her tablets, and his wife practiced looking regal, like on the stamps.
Despite being on only the first day of their tour, the elderly couple are already struggling to cope with a mountain of unwanted flowers, gaudy cards and awful cakes.
The couple were close to tears when presented to a woman with too many cats, who offended them with a souvenir scarf made from her own fur balls.
Mrs Windsor is still hopeful that a repetitive waving injury might cut their holiday short, but Mr Windsor is trying to make the best of it.
“It might be awful spending time in the backwaters of this dreary little island”, he admitted, “but I’m making a fortune, renting our London house out during the Olympics.”