Wednesday 29 February 2012 by VCG

Ancient iceman ‘had no sense of humour and was probably a bit of a prick’

Scientists studying a 5,300-year-old body found frozen in the Italian Alps have reported his full genome, claiming that “Oetzi the Iceman”, as he is being called, had brown eyes, blood type O, was lactose intolerant and was “in all probability, really sodding tedious. Which may explain why somebody shot him in the back with an arrow and killed him.”

Oetzi was initially discovered in 1991 and has become one of the most studied specimens in history. Over twenty years of research and painstaking work to analyse his DNA has led scientists to the conclusion that “he probably deserved what he got to be honest.”

“He was so well preserved that we’ve been able to get a really good insight into his personality, see his clothing, look closely at the contents of his stomach and come to the realisation that he was a total bell-end”, explained Albert Zink from the Eurac Institute for Mummies and the Iceman in Bolzano, Italy.

“We found him with a pair of sunglasses on his head, even though all indications are that the weather on the day he died was overcast. This paints a picture of somebody labouring under the false impression that a pair of sunglasses on your head makes you look cool, rather than like a prick.”

Analysis of the contents of Oetzi’s stomach has also pointed to the fact that he may have been one of the first ever vegetarians, and there is a good chance that he kept banging on and on and on about meat being murder.

“If he was alive today then I would probably be tempted to stab him myself”, added Prof Zink.

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