Tuesday 21 February 2012 by Waylandsmithy

‘Weather super-computer’ allows more accurate forecasts be obscured by presenter’s head

A group of MPs has concluded that the BBC ‘needs super-computers’ to ensure meteorologists can more accurately ignore weather forecasts in the Midlands, the North and wherever it is that’s under Matt Taylor’s elbow.

The BBC has long found weather to be the subject of controversy. From the early days of presenters reporting on the previous day’s weather, to recent attempts to brighten the outlook with swearing, the weather has certainly had its highs and lows. Whatever they are.

“We thought we’d cracked it when we spent £36.5bn on the new slanty computer map”, admitted weather controller Sharon Bullidge.

“By tilting the less important parts of the UK away from the camera, we could show that the Earth isn’t flat, with an 85% chance that that’s correct.”

But viewers have questioned the wisdom of showing an image of the UK seen from 10 miles above a goat farm on the French/Spanish border.

Some are even wondering why the moron won’t shift his head a bit, or bugger off completely.

Weather computers

Falling confidence in BBC forecasting has led to some viewers having ‘a look out of the window’, or writing it down somewhere that Summer is warm, and Winter colder.

But Bullidge is proud of her department’s achievements. “We show all the key areas of London and its commuter belt, as well as the nice coastal villages of Cornwall where we stay at weekends.”

“And we gel down the presenter’s hair a bit so you can see Edinburgh during the festival season. It’s vital to know whether I should think about packing a jumper.”

Bullidge believes that one day her department might develop the capability to point out Cheshire on an atlas, and put Congleton back roughly where they found it.

“We’ve Googled ‘funny northern place names’ on the new computer and we’re adding the best ones to the map.”

“It’s nice to chuckle at the idiots that must live there, as the camera zooms past on the way back down to Surrey.”

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