David Cameron has announced plans to address the ‘national scandal’ of people drinking more than he’d like, just as soon as he’s finished his non-scandalous dismantling of the NHS.
Cameron will use a speech today to outline why everyone should be angry at people drinking exactly as much as they want to, instead if his team of shady operatives trying to break up just about the only thing this country should be proud of.
As one drinker explained, “Does the man not own a dictionary?”
“I mean, how is me drinking precisely what I want a ‘scandal’, yet forcing through the least popular NHS legislation in a generation which will change forever an institution that is the envy of the world, is not?”
Another said, “Look, I wasn’t very happy about the changes he’s making to the NHS, but let me be very clear – if he comes for my booze he’s a dead man.”
Some observers have said that charging more money to do things the government thinks it bad for us is a classic example of ‘bad parenting’.
Drinker Tom Matthews told us, “When I was a kid and I crossed the road on my own, my parents didn’t say that from now on it would cost me a fiver to do it – they stopped me doing it.”
“So remind me again, is this all out of concern for our well-being, or a thinly-veiled cash generation exercise?”