Tuesday 14 February 2012

Men pretty sure they’re getting some tonight

Men everywhere are sat at their desks confidently believing that the bright red two foot-high padded card in front of them will definitely lead to them getting some this evening.

After spending literally minutes picking out the ideal mass-produced sentiment that conveyed a sense of commitment slightly greater than they actually feel comfortable with, many are already creating mental pictures of the positions they will be using.

Simon Williams, 24, told us, “This card plays a tune when you open it. I don’t recognise it, but it’s by one of those bands she likes. I will be balls deep by 7:30, mark my words.”

“I saw this thing on the Internet I’m thinking of trying – I’m not sure what she’ll look like upside down, but make hay whilst the sun shines and all that.”

“I might even pick up some flowers on the way home, you know, to be unpredictable. Women love that.”

Valentines surprise

Women have warned that the unwarranted overconfidence displayed by men is likely to turn to despair later tonight, as the female community begin to swap details of presents they have received.

Sharon Matthews told us, “Last year my boyfriend got me chocolates, but Tracey’s boyfriend got her chocolates and a bottle of Vodka. So he’s really got to step up his game this year.”

“That said, if he springs for a table for two at Nando’s I’ll do that thing he likes with my feet.”

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