England responds to Scottish independence calls: “OK, but you get Northern Ireland”

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England has responded to Scottish calls for independence by awarding them sole custody of troubled province Northern Ireland.

England made the decision in what is becoming an increasingly acrimonious split.

Scotland responded by saying, “It’s not fair. We wanted to try being a single nation for a bit – go out and have some fun, make a few short-term treaties, nothing serious.

“But with a moody and fractious Northern Ireland cramping our style there’s no way we’re going to be able to do that.”

England explained that “Northern Ireland always liked you more anyway. They all support your football teams, and they never once tried to bomb you.

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“And to be honest we never quite got that whole Protestant/Catholic thing that you’re so into as well. It just makes sense to divide things up this way.”

Scotland quickly responded with a counter-proposal whereby they would get tug-of-love principality Wales instead, and would even give up half of the oil revenue, but England declined.

“OK, we subsidise Wales a lot, but we need somewhere to hold the cup final if we ever redevelop Wembley again.”

Under the terms of the agreement, both countries will get access to the Isle of Man on alternate weekends.

Scotland’s desire to leave the union initially came as a shock to England. “We thought we were getting along fine. OK, we’ve had our ups and downs over the last 300 years, but what two countries bound together in political union haven’t?”

Scotland, realising that financially supporting Northern Ireland would spell the end to free prescriptions and no tuition fees, came crawling back wanting to “give it another go”, even waving a Union Jack and singing Rule Britannia, but England stayed resolute.

England stated, “We’re going to use this as an opportunity to move forward and have a good declutter.

“We only got into this union to help them out when their desire for an empire bankrupted them. So as a parting gift they can have what’s left of ours: the Falklands.”

Scotland, which had been celebrating its forthcoming independence by buying a speedboat, was last seen grudgingly trying to trade it in for a second-hand aircraft carrier.