Tuesday 7 February 2012 by Gary Stanton

Dr Ian Paisley refusing to take part in the resuscitation process

The former first minister and leader of the DUP, Ian Paisley, was last night refusing to enter into eleventh hour negotiations to save his life, so he was.

Dr Paisley, 85, suffered a heart attack at his Ulster home after reading that a former member of the popular music combo Boyzone had been a practising homosexual.

Despite lapsing in and out of consciousness, the firebrand preacher resisted the efforts of Northern Ireland’s multi-faith ambulance service to revive him, shouting, “No surrender to the CPR”.

Lord Bannside spent the next five hours under observation on the Protestant wing of Belfast General while attempting to search the underside of his hospital trolley with a mirror attached to a stick. The Reverend has suffered heart problems in the past, and in 2011 was fitted with a pacemaker emblazoned with the logo ‘Save Ulster From Sodomy’, though he initially refused that operation when he heard the device ticking.

Although his condition is now stable, Paisley has issued a statement denouncing his surgeons as ‘butchers’ with ‘blood on their hands’.

The former DUP leader has also resisted attempts at catheterisation, branding it a ‘Fenian plot’ and ‘papery of the worst kind’. Last night, a defiant Paisley insisted on walking to the toilet after tearing a catheter tube from the tip of his penis and holding it aloft in front of a crowd of 50 onlookers – a clear breach of the hospital’s two visitors per bed policy.

Paisley’s chief surgeon, Dr Seamus O’Donahue, who looks and sounds exactly like Jim McDonald from Coronation Street, said, ‘We need to bring the reverend back to the operating table. A new heart could potentially offer him another five months of bigotry. Luckily a suitable organ has come in this morning.’

But Paisley, on learning that the donor was Catholic, insisted that any attempts to transplant it would be ‘over his dead body’.

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