Nick Clegg announces plan to encourage further tedious stocks and shares conversations

author avatar by 11 years ago

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is to urge more businesses to offer shares to their workers, claiming that tedious conversations about ‘portfolio performance’ should not be the preserve of the rich and middle-classes.

He will tell and audience in the city that the key to future prosperity is replacing conversations on the merits of the latest page 3 model with the anticipated effect of the weather on your embarrassingly small collection of shares.

He told reporters, “What this country needs is people who despise their entirely unsatisfying jobs having a very real say in the company that creates those jobs.”

“Motivation is important, and what could be more motivating than knowing that you helping to create a multimillion pound bonus for your chief executive will make you at least 50p better off?”

“I’ve looked it up, it’s called ‘aspirational motivation’. It’s when you give someone something which makes them feel important and a part of things, when really it means very little. It was a term David Cameron used when as he showing me around my new office.”

Shares for everyone

Workers have admitted they are sceptical about the announcement, but admitted that looking at a newspaper for something other than the photos does sound appealing.

As one worker told us, “You think owning part of this company is motivation? Look, I work here surrounded by these people so I know what’s going on better than any analyst. So, is there any way I can get shares in the competition?”

Another explained, “Are you saying that this will be completely free and in addition to everything else I get? Then I guess that would be OK.”

“But if this will be in lieu of a pay-rise, and performance is still dictated solely by the pricks in the boardroom, then no, you can shove it up your arse.”