Police launch nationwide hunt for women definitely not assaulted by Titus Bramble

author avatar by 11 years ago

As Sunderland footballer Titus Bramble faced his third assault charge, police have admitted it might be easier just to find those women he definitely hasn’t interfered with.

A spokesperson for the North-East club told reporters, “We had hoped that Titus’ first career hat-trick would come on the pitch, but I guess this will have to do.”

“Right now we are backing our player, as we are confident the police will find at least some women that Titus has yet to meet.”

Football fans have admitted they fear for Bramble’s future if the allegations and charges are proven in court.

Sunderland fan Simon Williams explained, “I know footballers tend to have really good expensive lawyers, but if he goes to prison he could be in real trouble. I mean, I’ve seen him try and control a football, imagine what he’d be like with a bar of soap?”

Bramble sexual assault charge

A PFA spokesperon defended Bramble by explaining that although they do not condone sexual assault in way, shape, or form; footballers are left with little choice if a woman won’t have sex with them.

The spokesperson explained, “It’s not like they can just not have sex with that woman, is it? I mean, they’re premiership footballers for goodness sake.”

“No-one likes to see someone assaulted, but if the alternative is a footballer not getting to have sex, then really, what choice do they have?”