Obama to reduce US military to ‘just about big enough to destroy everything everywhere’

author avatar by 12 years ago

US president Barack Obama has announced a series of cuts to the US military that will see its armed forced shrink to a size that will leave them barely capable of destroying everything on the planet, should the need arise.

The President told reporters that the military could be leaner and that there was little point having expensive spare capacity after you’ve terminated every living organism between Venus and Mars.

“We can trim a little excess, sure, but rest assured that the US armed forces could kill each and every one of you if it wanted. Quite easily, in fact.” he told the White House press corp.

The plan to save $450bn over the next ten years could see front-line troop numbers reduced, with defence secretary Leon Panetta explaining the rationale behind the cuts.

“Why use ten marines to destroy a remote Afghan village when nine could easily eviscerate everything as far as the eye can see? It’s that sort efficiency saving that we’re looking for here. Nothing more.”

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US military cuts

Terrorist organisations have welcomed the cuts, insisting that more level playing field is all they’ve been asking for.

As an Al Qaeda spokesperson told Al Jazeera, “If the US is going to decimate entire countries in the futile search for people who possible didn’t even exist in the first place, then we want them to break a sweat doing it.”

However some Republicans have insisted the cuts are the work of the devil and proof that Obama is not a true patriot.

Texas resident Mitch Perry told us, “What good is it having an armed service that is capable of destroying absolutely everything, if they’re not capable of doing it all over again straight away the very moment they’ve finished?”