Wednesday 4 January 2012 by Gary Stanton

Vinnie Jones to recommend ‘vice-like grip’ in testicular cancer campaign

The British Testicular Foundation in conjunction with Vinnie Jones is urging men to employ a vice-like grip when performing routine bollock inspections for cancer, it has emerged.

Previous advice had been to search for lumps with a gentle massage of the scrotal sac or to take a funky wax mould of the suspect gonad.

But a new poll conducted across the UK involving 2,000 respondents showed nearly half were put off from performing examinations because of the sheer ugliness of their ball sac.

BTF Chairman, Dr Adrian Fotze, who recruited Jones for his prior experience in ball squeezing, said “Many people don’t get further than glancing at their hideous chuff in a hand mirror then pulling a face.”

Fotze claims many cancers are missed this way and that men should eschew the traditional ‘prod and grimace’ in favour of hard and fast compressions around the entire ball bag.

He added, “Like what he did to Gazza but harder.”

Vinnie Jones health advice

The new campaign is to be titled ‘Get a Grip’ after Jones’ suggestion ‘Lock, Cock and Two Smoking Bollocks’ was rejected by an advisory panel.

The BTF is also suggesting people hum to the Bee Gees hit Stayin’ Alive, to get the tempo of ball compressions right, although others have suggested it may lead to a bollock that has gone all the way up.

The new advert features the former gangster-cum-footballer in his traditional hardman guise, administering testicular compressions to a Bee Gees backbeat after being thrown on at half-time.

Jones then tells viewers, “Don’t be a fackin’ mug, this stuff can kill ya, you slaaaag.”

Last night Jones had this advice for those seeking to copy his technique. “By the end of it, if you ain’t singing like Jimmy Sommerville, you ain’t doin’ it right.”

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