Essex raises exploding breast alert from severe to critical

author avatar by 11 years ago

The danger of a ‘significant incident’ due to a volatile breast somewhere in Essex rose last night after forty thousand women across the county complained that their cheap silicone imports had started to fragment.

In response Essex County Council raised its alert level from severe to critical, meaning an explosion is ‘imminent’.

As recently as this summer, Essex County Council raised the alert from Worrying to Severe after excessive jiggling was reported in towns across Essex such as Chelmsford, Harlow and Steeple Bumstead.

Most at risk are women with French mattress-grade PIP implants that measure 34 DD or larger. The equivalent imperial measure is 2BSH or British Standard Handfuls.

Mark Thomas of Breast Watchdog ORB said, “For those unsure of their vital statistics, a conversion table is available on our premium pay website, but as a general guideline – you don’t get many of them to the pound.”

Breast health

Meanwhile, Basildon is said to be a community living in fear after an incident at a nightspot in the town where a poorly harnessed breast ruptured, causing a punter to lose an eye and thirty pounds worth of damage to a round of drinks.

DS David Chaplin of Essex Police said, “Children under the age of one are especially at risk and we are asking those on the teat to remain vigilant.”

“They may notice problems during suckling such as impeded flow or the milk itself may taste a bit ‘siliconey’.”

“We would urge such individuals – don’t just sit there gurgling and savouring the texture of a nipple in your mouth. Please alert us to the danger either by crying or pulling a face.”

“They are very much our eyes and ears in this operation. And mouths.”

However, Dr Stanley Frampton, a Breast Consultant at Harlow General, believes the danger from shoddy French breasts is being overstated.

He added, “If there are women out there who are still concerned, pop on down to the my clinic, slip your top off and we’ll have a little look at them shall we?”