BBC radio cuts threaten phone-ins for local morons

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The Local Government Association has slammed plans by the BBC to cut regional radio services, claiming they provide a vital service for opinionated mentals.

Local radio phone-ins have long been a sounding board for the sort of shouty moron who thinks National Service would improve the one-way system, sees hipster jeans as a symptom of ‘broken Britain’ and blames it all on the BBC ‘dumbing down’ before getting the DJ’s name wrong.

The LGA claims rambling diatribes from ill-informed bigots are ‘as British as dobbing your neighbours in to the council’, and provide the callers’ carers with a welcome break for a few minutes.

But local radio isn’t just a place to propose hanging for benefits cheats: it’s also a vital source of information that doesn’t affect the people listening to it.

“I looked out the window yesterday, and it was snowing”, claimed Maureen Dudley, a regular contributor to BBC Some of Birmingham.

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“I immediately turned on the radio, and that nice Linda confirmed that the weather had caused a massive accident on the M6.”

“That’s the sort of vital, local information you need when you’re sat at home, shouting at cats. I phoned up straight away, and blamed it on immigrants”, confirmed Maureen.

“We didn’t have lorry crashes in my day. Or squirty Marmite. Kids these days don’t know they’re born.”

Local BBC radio cuts

The BBC is seeking to reassure licence payers that cuts to local radio services won’t affect the corporation’s ability to wind up isolated communities, such as Rutland or Cheshire.

“In line with our pledge to give all parts of the UK something to moan about, we are committed to leaving large areas of the country off our website completely”, explained press officer Mike Dowling.

“That should provide a major source of irritation for years to come, particularly in those areas we just pass through on the train to Salford.”

From January, local radio networks will start sharing London’s news with the whole country, in a way that implies anyone who doesn’t like it is a bumpkin.

“If the idea of that makes you angry, phone in and complain”, announced Dowling. “Especially if you’re on medication, or have a funny accent.”