Thick kids don’t get any brighter, finds study

author avatar by 12 years ago

Children who struggle with the “Three Rs” when they start primary school will not get any brighter just because you want them to, a new survey has discovered.

The report assessed those children not bright enough to grasp the fundamentals of reading, writing and arithmetic, and looked to see if they magically attained a greater ability to learn such things by the time they left primary school.

The report explained, “It seems that if you’re a thick child, you’re probably going to remain a thick child and in all likelihood will one day text to vote during an X Factor final.  There’s little we can do about this, sorry.”

“We’re not talking about learning disabilities by the way – there are things we can do to help these children – I’m talking about the formative years of your regular, normal, below average intelligence moron.”

“For every bright kid in the class, there’s a thick kid – that’s how we get averages.  It would be so much easier for all concerned if everyone could just accept this.”

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Thick kids

A Department for Education spokesperson involved in the study insisted that their approach had been rigorous and scientific.

They said, “The findings are beyond reproach, and our methods will stand up to scrutiny.”

“For example, we looked at a number of five year-olds and we discovered that if their overriding desire when presented with a basic maths question was to put it in their mouth, then the chances are they’ll become Chancellor of the Exchequer or an investment banker.”