Thursday 15 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Corruption, bribes and organised crime still failing to make cricket interesting

Despite recent attempts by international gambling syndicates to bring a spark of mystery and danger to the game, cricket is still ‘as boring as golf’ to most viewers, a new survey reveals.

Sports pundits are at a loss to explain the lack of interest in a game that takes five solid days to complete, and ends in a draw if it rains.

As Dominic Trudge of Sky Sports explained, “For some reason, people aren’t drawn to a game that involves England playing the same team of ‘tourists’ over and over again for about a year, until one team loses interest or is arrested on suspicion of match fixing.”

Promoters of the game think the problem starts at ‘grass roots’, which by coincidence are just as exciting to watch, particularly when given lawn feed.

“We need to bring corruption and subterfuge in to County Cricket. Investment in corrupting our young players should pay dividends in the future, especially if you bet on the right number of ‘no balls’.”, announced Gordon Templar of the MCC.

“It can be quite exciting to guess whether or not the bowler will use a very slightly newer ball for the next over, particularly if there’s a chance you might lose your house on it.”

Cricket tedious

Cricket isn’t the first boring sport to try and raise its profile on Crimewatch, with the equine world recently finding itself sexed up with tales of whips, horseplay and sadistic midgets.

“But try as we might, it’s still really boring”, confessed Trudge, “No wonder some of the jockeys just give up half-way round, chat with a shadowy figure in the saddle room for a bit and then go down the shops to look at new yachts.”

Trudge hopes that it will take just a little more controversy to trick people into watching test matches.

“We’ve got some great graphics that can predict where envelopes stuffed with money will land around the feet of various Pakistani bowlers.”

“Ooh, and I’ve just heard that John Major has resigned from the MCC, following a disagreement over a planning application. If a sensation like that doesn’t draw in the punters, nothing will.”

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